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Wednesday, April 1, 2015

It consumes the whole of me.

I can't help but to pen down my thoughts about what went down today - by today, I meant 31.03.2015.

It was a normal busy day at work, nothing seems even more hectic than meeting payroll deadlines and replying emails that haunts even during lunch. It went pretty decent until workload suddenly went up and emails became so complicated to even read. I panicked. I wasn't at my desk for the whole day as I was attending on-the-job training for the upcoming re-org. I was then approached by one of the ex-CCA staff to attend meetings and handover session from them. I rejected the meeting because I prioritized my work. I aimed to complete 70% of the tasks by today but it did not go as planned.

I planned to do up my exam preparation at 6pm, which is after my working hour because I felt that office would be quieter by then. I was wrong. Surges of email came pouring in and last minute cases increases like there's no tomorrow. So, I decided to put aside my exam prep and even request help from one of my colleagues. The feeling to ask for help isn't great at all. For me, I don't like to ask for favours. I dislike carrying that guilt to others who helped to complete my work.

Finally, I've managed to rush some of the urgent cases and decided to leave the rest to tomorrow. So, I went off with colleagues at 8pm. It was already dark, I was tired. I wanted to just skip dance and straight back home; but I psycho-ed myself to go for dance because I will be missing next week's.

Soon after warm -ups, learning of choreography was about to start. I believed that I could throw away my work and exam thoughts aside so that I could help myself to distress for the time being. Initially, it was fine, but soon after the first eighths, I struggled. I remembered that the steps weren't very difficult, but no matter how hard I tried to focus, it's of no use. It seems like 80% of my brain was occupied with work and exam; and 20% of it was telling myself to keep calm and learn. I got too stressed up and forgot my steps. The feeling was incomparable to Nash's - for Nash's, I knew I wasn't able to pick up the steps because I was new to his genre. It seemed like my body wanted to dance, but my mind kept shutting down the nodes. In the end, I gave up. I tried taking big breath in between so that I could calm myself down, but any methods seemed useless. 

So, class eventually ended and I was in a daze. No, I wasn't daydreaming, my mind was preoccupied with undone exams preparations and work tasks that have to meet payroll peak. It became involuntary and the only voluntary actions I've made is to stop myself from crying infront of them. I held in for a very long time and until I was alone, well, you should know what happened next.

All of it came pouring out. The process of gasping for air while tears flow like nobody business is very embarrassing. I was texting XY while all these drama-mama happened. At that point of time, I realized that I just need someone to talk to, just someone to be there so that I can cry like no one's watching. Of course, she counselled me with few paragraphs of motivating words, but at that point of time, my mind wasn't processing at all. All I knew was to let it all out. I have ditched the idea of how others would want to judge me and I let it all out. My bus journey took an hour, so does my drama. Wait no, it doesn't stop there. I was hesitant to go straight home, so I stayed at the void deck to let it out somemore. It's all involuntary. I don't meant to make a scene out of nothing but this is my only channel of grievance. Even when I mustered my courage to head home, once I put down my bags, I went straight to the toilet to grieve again. And finally, it all ended while I was bathing. 

I simmered down and try talking to myself. It may sound crazy at first, but it's a good way to motivate & encourage myself when no one else could. I decided to sort out my thoughts again, well, at least for now, it's not that heavy to weigh me down even further. Even when I'm penning the whole process down, I was controlling it. I try to tell myself not to feel too much - be as moodless and cold as I can be. And of course, XY's chunks of paragraph shouldn't go to waste at all. I will read it through maybe tomorrow, but not now. If I were to read it all over, I might kickstart the whole process all over again.

Everyone's threshold for stress varies and this is how much I could hold stress before I explode. It's pointless to tell me why everyone else can do it and why can't I. Everyone is different, so don't expect everyone to be as strong as they look. All human beings hold a vulnerable part in them and the reason why they don't want to show them to others might be because they don't find a need to let you know? And yes, now you know, I don't show my crying face to just anyone. 

I will be better, I promised myself. After my exams are over, it will be a brand new start for me once again. I should start looking ahead and not dawn on what had happened. 


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